I'm complicated and twisted,
impossible to get along with,
an artist to the fullest extent,
a musician who's passion exceeds her ability,
a dreamer and hopeless romantic,
a slacker,
and last but not least
an honest girl looking for truth.

Anything by Ra Ra Riot?

Please and Thank you

plus, anything you might recommend, just for kicks.
I feel like getting some new music (:

The year 2009. It's finally here, and I thought it would never arrive. Honestly, 2008 was one of the worst years. But I'm glad I finished it and survived. So much will change this year. People will leave, and for once it actually affects me. At this time last year, I was a wreck, a compelte and utter wreck. and it feels so great to be free
to be able to simply live my life
without the weight of self pity and doubt on my shoulders
I have amazingly accomplished my resolution from last year:


TO BE FINISHED

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<z>
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<br />


<option>Music</option>


<option>the academy is... </option>

<option>ac/dc </option>

<option>against me!</option>

<option>all time low </option>

<option>amber pacific </option>

<option>anberlin </option>

<option>andrew machon </option>

<option>anti flag </option>

<option> agony scene </option>

<option> arch enemy </option>

<option> a rocket to the moon </option>

<option>the audition </option>

<option>augustana  </option>

<option>avenged sevenfold </option>

<option>avenue d</option>

<option>bayside</option>

<option>beach boys</option>

<option> Ben Folds </option>

<option> Ben Gibbard </option>

<option> the birthday massacre </option>

<option>blink 182 </option>

<option>blondie</option>

<option>bloodhound gang</option>

<option>blue october</option>

<option>boys like girls</option>

<option>bright eyes</option>

<option>bring me the horizon</option>

<option> bullet for my valentine </option>

<option>cartel</option>

<option>CKY</option>

<option>chiodos</option>

>option>children of bodom</option>

<option>cobra starship</option>

<option>coheed and cambria</option>

<option>the cure</option>

<option>cute is what we aim for</option>

<option>danny elfman</option>

<option>daphne loves derby</option>

<option>dashboard confessional</option>

<option>david bowie</option>

<option>death cab for cutie</option>

<option>the devil wears prada</option>

<option>disturbed</option>

<option>dragonforce</option>

<option>emery</option>

<option>the fall of troy</option>

<option>flyleaf</option>

<option>forever the sickest kids</option>

<option>the foxboro hot tubs</option>

<option>from first to last</option>

<option>greeley estates</option>

<option><b>green day </b></option>

<option>gym class heroes</option>

<option>hannah montana</option>

<option> head automatica </option>

<option>hellogoodbye</option>

<option>the higher</option>

<option>hit the lights</option>

<option>incubus</option>

<option>jack's mannequin</option>

<option>jefferee star</option>

<option>jimmy eat world</option>

<option>killswitch engage</option>

<option>korn</option>

<option>lamb of god</option>

<option>the lashes</option>

<option>led zeppelin</option>

<option>letlive</option>



<option> lovesick radio </option>

<option>madina lake</option>

<option>mae</option>

<option> the maine </option>

<option>marilyn manson</option>

<option>mayday parade</option>

<option>maylene and the sons of disaster</option>

<option>the medic droid</option>

<option>metro station</option>

<option>mindless self indulgence</option>

<option>motion city soundtrack</option>

<option>my american heart</option>

<option>my chemical romance</option>

<option>the naked tambourine</option>

<option>new found glory</option>

<option>nirvana</option>

<option>no doubt</option>

<option>now now, every children </option>

<option>norma jean</option>

<option>panic(!) at the disco</option>

<option>papa roach</option>

<option>paramore</option>

<option>pink spiders</option>

<option>playradioplay!</option>

<option>the postal service</option>

<option>powerspace</option>

<option>puddle of mud</option>

<option>queen</option>

<option>quietdrive</option>

<option>the red jumpsuit apparatus</option>

<option>relient k</option>

<option>rise against</option>


<option>say anything</option>

<option>scary kids scaring kids</option>

<option>shiny toy guns</option>

<option>simple minds</option>

<option>skyeatairplane</option>

<option>slayer</option>

<option>something corporate</option>





<option>spice girls</option>

<option>the spill canvas</option>

<option>sunny day real estate</option>

<option>system of a down</option>

<option>taking back sunday</option>

<option>this is an empire </option>

<option>this providence</option>

<option>three days grace</option>

<option> thrice </option>

<option> the ting tings </option>

<option>underoath</option>

<option>the unseen</option>

<option>the used</option>

<option>the ghost inside</option>

<option>we the kings</option>

<option>yeah yeah yeahs</option>

<option>you, me, and everyone we know</option>

<option> 3OH!3 </option>

<option>30 seconds to mars</option>

<option>+ more</option>


</select>

<br />














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as most people go around yakking about their new years resolutions or about how amazing last year was, i want to punch them in face. btw, this entry is gonna be complete ramble just to get everything out my head thats in it right now. just to start fresh. this year i hope to post in this thing every day, even though they will all be pointless entries. all just to empty my head. i used to do this, only in a little journal. never worked out. always lost the journal or was afraid someone would find it. i never really had many secrets in them, i was just afraid someone might find it and laugh at how stupid it is. this year i dont care. screw it. others opinions are the last thing on my mind. ill be honest, theres about 10 songs that i listen to, only because you would play them over and over again. and i came to relize that these songs were amazing. like  you. at the time, i didnt even bother to listen or take for granted that these in fact were amazing. just like you again. i wish i would have told you everything i wanted to tell you, because now i have so much left to say. i would tell you how beautiful you made me feel. like i was the only thing that ever mattered. and you told me that too. and how you stood up for me, and how you helped me when i almost lost my best friend over you. you told me it would all be okay. and it was. until the end. then we just lost connection. and i dont even know why. one day, we just unclicked. you stopped talking to me. calling me. texting me. part of it was because of the no aim thing. and at the time i didnt regret loosing it cause all i wanted to do was talk to you. now i cant. you hate my guts. but why? apparently i was annoying. but i dont get it. how can one second i be the only thing that matters, then the next day im the last person you;d like to talk to. then the whole getting kicked out of class thing. i didnt get it. you acted like the rest of them. i thought you were different. the worst thing for me was when i went over that day. you were tottaly gone, and it scared the living shit out of me. and i dont even know why. we had been over for some time, yet i couldnt stop shaking for the rest of the day. now i have a shaking problem. or just a problem. ever since that day. acctually it started the day we ended. i remember that night clearly. i shook and cried and beat myself up. all night. tried to be distracted and watch some tube. didnt help. i stayed up till 4. she didnt know. she told me to get over you, dont waste my time wallowing over you. you were a dick and a pothead and every other name in the book. i told myself that was true. and i belived it. untill last night. i relized: holy shit. i need that kid. so much. and its sad because you obviously dont need me. you hate me. you dont want me to talk you ever again. im like trash to you. and it makes me sick to my stomach. cause guess what? as usual im the last one hanging on. im always late on every single fucking thing. the last one to relize the jokes over. the last one to stop liking that hip band. or relize that skinny jeans are SO last week. and i hate myself for it. was i not pretty enough for you? was i not funny enough? smart enough? me enough? i was so fucking honest with you. i let you into places where id never let even my best friends go. my deep dark places. and you helped my overcome so much. or so i thought. its probbaly cause im so young and naiive. did you really just want me for what i think? like every other guy? i really really thought you were different. i hate myself for thinking otherwise. i guess i should have known. all your friends always pressuring me to give it up. its cornation! thats what everyone does. but you know what? thats not what i wanted. im so glad i didnt give in.then the other pressures. im not gonna turn into him. the alcholic. he doesnt even care that he hurts us so bad. and i told you that. yet it slipped your mind i guess. lets get drunk? how about not. and i just keep circling around in this circle. this circle never ends. hate you. love you. hate you. but for you its just all the same. HATE HATE HATE. i really really dont get it. i want to break into your thoughts. tear them apart and analyze them. would you ever take me back? i doubt it. but oh how ive dreamed it. you infect my dreams every night. the other night was the scariest. i could almost feel your touch. and you kiss. and your hands in mine. i woke up crying. then the dream where your with another girl. it srsly murders my insides to even imagine. and that day i saw you talking to another girl. just TALKING. and now you guys are just friends. but i srsly went home and cried that day. everyone tells me get over him. hes horrible. but your NOT. nobody gets you like i do. everyone tells you im nasty and ugly. and its true. so belive them. you deserve so much more. but im selfish. and i want you. back. all my own. nobody else. i feel like im going to die. just the thought of being with anyone else is not even possible. im so used to everything about you. i loved the way i could always put my head on your chest. and i liked your abnormal tallness. and your big head. i didnt even care. and  you know what? your adorable. i dont care what anyone else says. everyone says your ugly and akward. WHO EVEN CARES? not me. and that your a poser? still not caring. up untill recently i thought i was over you. but im NOT. i dont think i ever will be. this feeling i have for you is just overwellming. it srsly makes me want to puke. put in a good way. i feel like its going to jump out of my chest. when i see you, its like a feeling of relief almost comes over me. like there he is [: hes not gone forever. but then you ignore me. and i feel like shit. and i relize, hes gone. he hates me. what i would DO just to be able to be friends. to hear your laugh. and know that im the reason behind that adorable smile of yours. i dont even know what to do. talking to you wont work. ugh. then the other night. i saw that kid that looked like you. and we told him that he will be called you and that it was an insuslt. how badly i wanted to say, you look like him. you remind me of him. dont tell me you ARE him? everytime he showed up into my view, i freaked out in the inside. like holy dsfghdfhg there he is! and hes walking towards me. like in that dream! but no, its just that guy who looks like him. how sad am i? freaking out over a relative of the hineys that looks like you. i dont even know who this journal is directed at. and the fact that i cant spend the night at your sisters house, who just so happens to be my best friend? yeah the only reason that pisses me off besides the fact that i cant see you is that my dad doesnt trust me. ive told him, he hates my guts. he wont even be there. but still he has to say oh his presence is there. and hes right. and thats what i hate. no matter what, my thoughts are still on you. like wow this is where he sits every day. this is where he makes his food. this is where he showers. this is where he sleeps. and its so SAD. im such a freak. you;ve insulted me when you were high, youve told me my flaws, you've taken my heart and broke it into a million pieces. yet i still ADORE you. everything reminds me of you. even a stupid candy corn. the movies. almost every street in town. we;ve walked it. done something ill remember forever on it. you;d made me smile on it. dont forget the fact that you left little things in my life. planted them so every time i see them ill always remember. pixy sticks. our little aniversry. the thing i feel the worst about is not even getting your birthday present in time =/ i was such a bitch. cause i didnt even bother to try and save. all i cared about was that paramore concert. and i regret not being able to go to LOG and kse with you guys. and i miss being able for it to be the 4 of us. my best friend and i and your best friend and you. those times were so great. that would have been so fun. that night. and your birthday night dinner. i rember i was sick the day of your birthday, but i still went to dinner anyways. and i had to miss band practice which was huge for my mom. i knew she could see it that i truely loved you. or something to that extent. EVERYONE hated us as a couple i think. they just thought either me or you were big idiots. and ugly. and nasty. or whatever. i remember that time when n and h threw rocks at us that one time near the gym. and we just laughed and kept saying goodbye. i remember the last time i ever said good bye to you. the day we fell apart. and how i cried the whole way home. i would never see your face again before we broke up. we didnt even hug or anything, i had nothing left to hold on. it was horrible. horrible. this is probbaly the longest thing ive ever written. and im not even done. i hate myself for not living every day like it was my last with you. because the day it was our last, i didnt even tell you how much i loved you. if only you knew. if only. maybe you might take me back. everyone hits me everytime i talk about you. i insult you and i feel so horrible about it. i want to scream out loud. how amazing you are. buti cant. i tried to tell my closest friends about this. how i miss you so much. they just yell at me. no one is here for me. to say, its okay. tell me what i should do. your the only thing that will make me happy, besides my shows. and ugh how i need one. but i think some are sold out. and im so scared. and its really pathetic. ive always dreamed of going to a show with you. and being llike those other girls who i hate so much. their obxoxious bf will be with them, making a huge barrier around them. and their always at the front. and between sets, they just get to enjoy each other. i only got to enjoy you through texting at one show. heh and you spent 1/2 the time telling me how much the bands sucked based on the videos you sent me. in a joking way of course. and you always made me get all mad. and apparently that was cute. oh and how the day after you called me just to say that you loved me and that you have to hear my voice every day, even if its my lame voicemail. and i remember we slept till 2 that day. cause we had gone to dennys the night before. and i thought that was the cutest thing. and i missed you so much. or how we used to spend hours on the phone, just saying how much we loved each other. and how cute you were. and blah blah. i guess thats all ill write about you today. now its time for d.d.


the furthest memory i have of you being drunk was when i was probbaly 6. i remeber being awakened by screaming. and i remeber at first hiding under my winnie the pooh sheets. then i got up. and there you were. yelling and slurring as usual. and you threw something at her. and she cried and screamed im calling the cops! and you were like no no. and you went outside. then we had to pack our stuff. and stay at the hotel on grand. get some of your stuff sweetie. were going on an adventure she told me. we got to the hotel and we ran into someone we knew. what brings you here? oh our  house is getting tented. big lies. i remember we had to go to the ice machine and get ice for her arm. she had the hugest bruise on her arm. the next day we ate at the buffay thing. you said. a big breakfest for my princess. i was never good enoguh for you. never. you always have something to tell me that i did wrong. you didnt wash this dish right. your grounded. or when you smashed my phone. i had to tell everyone that my phone had just broke, i was so ashamed. i felt like such a fuck-up. and i still do. i cant even pass algerbra. i cant pass anything. i just suck. im not that little girl that you want me to be. pretty and popular. my friends are all fucked up. their lives are fucked up.  why cant i hang out with all the little chuch girls? oh yeah church. lets not even start. accutally yes i will. everyone hates me there kay? everyone there is so horrible and full of it. they think they know everything and act like their so holy. their NOT. ive heard them and theri as bad as me. they threat me like shit cause im different and i accutally like to have fun. oh lets bag on the differnt girl! thats cool. and then they act like they know my music. UGH. you dont. oh that music is emo. SHUT THE Fdhg UP. all you listen to is fcking zeplin and jesus music. how is jesus even HUMBLE. he wants us to give him moeny and PRAISE him. where is the humble in THAT? you dont even make sense. and the bible. ugh. GAY MARRIAGE IS RIGHT. LOVE IS LOVE. and apparently jesus loved eveeyone. EXCEPT gays. and satan. so therefore, hes a hipporite. and that movie jesus camp is proof. right there. and how they tottaly killed me today. threw socks at my face and head. and taunted me. and they turned the lights on and grabbed my blankets. and took my phone and took pictutres of themselves. and got it all sticky and nasty. now my stickers are stuck on there forever.i really do hope they all choke. and then the one girl. GAH. she think shes all holy but she goes off and talks about screwing her stupud boyfirend who thinks hes SO freaking cool cause he acts like an ass 24/7. everyone there. god. the only sane people there are me and anyone else i bring. i lvoe to piss off nicole. and be honest. and talk about music. cause she think shes knows it all. OH HOTELL CALIFORNIA IS ABOUT SATAN. d00d. STFUUUU. i want to burn that women. srsly, hope she rots sometimes. i mean she used to be cool. but no. not at all. ugh done church && dd rant.

i want to feel alive again. and live everyday like its my last. i want to take  beautiful photographs of everyday of my life. and remeber every single day for what it was. i dont want to regret anything this year. i want to live it and love it. i want to go to life-chaning shows. meet the most amazing people. people that will change my life. i want to make many new friends, and kick the old ones that will hold me back. i want to recindle old friendships that i miss. you know who you are.i want to take so many pictures, that my computer just explodes. or my camera. or my heart. i want love again. i want to mend my heart. its on its last strings. ive been through so much last year. i want this year to be one that i will forever love. i want to laugh extra loud. i want everyone to say oh look theres rachel. shes happy. thats not ussually something that goes with my name. but i want to make it that. i want to be someone important. someone everyone wants to get to know. i want to get to know others. be the one they want to know. i want to start playing piano agian. practice everyday. and most importantly, i want to find who i really am this year. and i want to be happy with who i am.
i want to love myself again.


 

last night was AMAZING to say the least! well acctually now its like two nights ago lolzz. whatever =P the night started off waiting in line for two hours :D the line went litterally around the block, and we were near the first bend of the corner. when we finnaly go in, i was like fgdh excited. i grabbed a paramore poster off the wall, but it ended up getting lost in the "pit" later on. of course pshh. then the almost came on :D

i must say, aaron looks very spiffy and more mouth-watering in person. (hes mine BACK OFF hhaha) their set was SO amazing, but WAY too short. aaron danced around pretty wierd though, but it was still cute >.< he hit some notes that i didnt know were even humanly possible, but some how he pulled it off. i think that like five of us there raised our hand when he asked us who had his record lol and noone knew any of the songs except for like southern weather and say this sooner. but whatever, that just makes us kids who know all the songs cooler :D

then the starting line came on.


talk about

H O R R I B L E

all during the WHOLE set, i honestly thought about committing suicide. they played for what felt like hours, and probbaly was knowing my luck. i got stuck between these fat chicks who were suffacting me, then i got next to these IDIOT chicks who were pushing each other just to be obnoxious. and i finnaly just elbowed one of them in the face cause i got so pissed off and she was like WTF?! i couldnt even hear the lead singer cause the drums tottaly overpowered him. the only thing nice i can say about them is their logo is nice. its in the same font as TWLOHA.

then comes paramore. oh man. at that point, i was hating the night, cause i got crappy pictures for the almost cause we couldnt use flash for whatever reason. and the starting line was just fdhdh but then paramore came on. i must say, the crowd was horrible (like the guy who yelled at me when i grabbed on to him to prevent myself from getting trampled on the ground) but paramore was AMAZING. not only were the video screens in the backrounds rad, but hayley was her amaizng self. she hit all the notes and was a ball of energy and happiness.

my heart was FOR SURE the best song of the night. i almost cried it was so good. and their sunny day real esate cover of "Faces In Disguise" was stunningly amazing. i was also happy when everyone stopped moving to listen :D i also found my friend during that, and we sang together. it was really cute. that was the last "offical" song, but they played decoy and misery buisness for the encore. But, during decoy i went and got some merch. i got the tour shirt, which is the best shirt in the whole entire world. i also bought a crushcrushcrush shirt and paramore dog tags. i tried to get some almost merch, but i ran out of money and they didnt have my size.

i pushed my way back to where i was standing before :D and watched all of misery buisness. i got this awesome shot of someone holding up a heart with their hands near hayleys face with the lights :D

then, we watied outside their bus for them and hayley came out :D and i was like two feet away from her! but she was like "sorry guys! my moms here and i cant take any picture! i love you!" and we were so tired and wanted to go to dennys, so we split. we thought about following them, but we arent THAT creepy lmfao

i have over 300 pictures that i took, and over 1/2 of them are wiether WAY too blurry or of like the celing or peoples heads/hands. and ive got SO much picture editing to do, but heres some of few that are worth your time :D


taylor and i waiting in line :D

hayley playing my heart :D

the only somewhat decent picture of aaron :D

chyeah those suspenders are spiffinn




the evil lead singer of the starting line -
curse you for causing me so much misery!



more pictures to come! sorry theres so few right now! if you were there, feel free to comment and share your memories with me!